Name: Bottled air.
Age: Fresh new as a daisy, sir, just bottled this morning.
Physical appearance: Invisible, but the boutiquey bottle is very great.
And what is it exactly? Air in a bottle, sir, captured at coastal locations across the Uk, and yours for £60 for the 500ml bottle or £75 if you want the 700ml version. There is a important preserving, of system, if you do obtain the larger size.
Of class. But permit me get this straight. It’s air, put into a bottle, and it prices £60? Or £75 for the greater bottle.
Is this some sort of April fool’s joke? You know it is only the start out of March. No require to undertake that tone, sir. Coastline Capture Air, dependent at Leigh-on-Sea in Essex, travels “the length and breadth of Good Britain trying to find unspoiled areas of natural beauty to monitor and capture the freshest coastal air”. Customers all in excess of the globe fed up with respiratory in car fumes are snapping it up as an help to healthful living.
But this is madness! It is an empty bottle! I’m sorry you truly feel that way, sir. The firm bottles air from Suffolk, the Isle of Wight and Hartland Place on the Cornish coastline.
Hartland Place is in Devon! There has admittedly been some pushback on that issue down in the south-west. Coastline Capture Air prefers to current market its Hartland Level product or service as remaining from the “Cornish heritage coast”, and Devonians are not quite joyful about it.
You stir up the rivalry amongst Devon and Cornwall at your peril. The air struggle has, unfortunately, been included to the controversy above Cornwall boasting to have invented the pasty when it was truly Devonian, and the lengthy-drawn-out war in excess of irrespective of whether you use jam or product first to a scone in a cream tea.
It is jam very first if you want to maximise how a lot cream you can get on. But seem, who cares if the air at Hartland Place is pure Devonian, or has appear up from Cornwall, or throughout from Ireland, or all the way from Timbuktu? It is just air, and you are attempting to promote it to me for 60 quid. And quite therapeutic it is, sir. Choose a sniff of that. Perfect as portion of one particular of your mindfulness classes.
I do not do mindfulness sessions. Well, if you did, you could order some coastal appears, too, as the excellent accompaniment.
Oh, I give up! I have to have some air. I realized you’d appear spherical to our way of wondering, sir.
Do say: “People employed to mock the strategy of bottled water.”
Never say: “Many of us continue to do.”